By Cheryl-Anne Jenkinson

Some men behave on first dates as if they’d prefer never to see the woman again. They’re ignorant of the woman’s needs, offensive in body language and choices of conversation, and generally behave as if they’re far more interested in themselves.

Here are some top tips for causing certain offence on a date:

 

Punctuality

Arrive late and explain that your ex-partner needed a job carrying out, which held you up. You could also add that you stopped for a quick drink with the boys on the way.

 

Conversation Topics

• Talk about yourself and all your interests and hobbies, leaving barely a pause for her to contribute. She’s sure to find your monologue fascinatingly tedious and self-centered. Make sure it focuses on precisely those topics that you already know don’t feature in her own life, such as soccer, bungee jumping, rebuilding a motorcycle and body-building.

• Spend at least an hour talking about your work, making sure you use words she cannot possibly understand because they’re only specific to your business. Ensure she realizes how senior you are in the workplace and that nobody else could possibly perform as well in your role.

• Don’t ask her anything about herself — after all, you’re not there to get to know her.

• Don’t forget to interrupt your date frequently to turn the conversation back to yourself and how great you are.

• Remember to tell her that your previous dates were all models and celebrities with size 6 figures, and that you yourself just declined a Calvin Klein underwear shoot.

 

Body Language

• If there’s an attractive waitress working in the bar, do take time to look over your date’s shoulder at her on a repeated basis, even if it means totally missing what your date is talking about. You could even slip the waitress your number when she comes to the table.

• If your date does insist on trying to speak about herself, you can put an end to this by casting your eyes around the room and yawning, to show that just about anything else is more compelling than she is.

Check your watch frequently; it’s important she realizes how much of your precious time she’s taking up and how privileged she is to be in your company.

• If you’ve met for a meal, remember to pick your teeth with your finger nails or make teeth-sucking sounds.

• Don’t put down your knife and fork between mouthfuls; just concentrate on eating as fast and as much as possible, but do talk at the same time even if you occasionally manage to spit some chewed food onto the table.

• Be careful to allow your date’s glass to run empty, and pretend you haven’t noticed it needs replenishing.

 

 

Dress for the Occasion

Don’t over-dress for the date; put on your grubby old sneakers and a comic T-shirt with sleeves slightly too short for you. It will demonstrate the ‘laid back’ look. You could enhance this look by chewing some gum and sticking it under the bar table when the flavor conflicts with your drink.

• Alternatively, you could arrive straight from work, especially if you’re sweaty and showing stained shirt armpits.

 

 

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